Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Big D & The Surprise Visit.

Had a bit of a turn over the weekend.....I got really depressed...the first time in MONTHS!
Of course it had to happen while going to a party, didn't it! The big D has such fantastic timing!

I started feeling a bit off on Friday, but ignored it as much as possible, hoping it would pass, but by the time I got to the party on Saturday I was feeling lousy.

So insecure, so self conscious, so hyper sensitive, so worthless.....so shit

It was the first time my fella has seen me that low & I was really worried how he would react. Previous boyfriends got frustrated & angry, which would just make me feel worse!
But he was lovely......gave me a big hug, told me I was being silly (in a nice way) & that he loved me.... :)
Exactly what I need when I feel like that.

Apparently a few people have asked after me because of the way I was at the party (ie VERY quiet. I'm not the best at socializing at the best of times - particularly with females for some reason, so being even more quiet makes it nigh on impossible for me to be sociable).....sweet of them to worry but really there's no need for them to. I feel a bit guilty now, for concerning them.
I feel really embarrassed now......I always do after a depressive episode. I know I shouldn't because I can't help getting like that, I have no control, but jeez......*CRINGE!*
I feel like giving myself such a slap for being so stupid!
Oh well.....

I'm seeing my shrink next week & we had been talking about me coming off my medication & being discharged from psychiatric out patients (after 8 years. I've been on meds on & off for 14 yrs) & I think I'm just worrying about that.
Needlessly of course, but that's me. I worry about worrying & then about you worrying about me worrying & so on!!!!!!

I was told a couple of years ago that I would always have to remain on medication & that my Depression was going to get worse, so to actually do the opposite of what that psychiatrist said is a MAYOR deal to me. A big two fingers to the folk who patronizingly look down on me as the little mentally ill girl who will not be able able to achieve anything because of her "disorder"
God I would LOVE to prove them wrong!!!!!! Shove it right in their faces!!!!!

My menstrual cycle has also been a bit chaotic this month, so that has probably not helped either.....darn hormones!

But the main thing is I'm feeling MUCH better now & (as my Mum reminded me when I rang her to get my thoughts straightened - she's brilliant at helping me sort my thoughts out) I'm MUCH better than I used to be. I may of got low, but I didn't become hysterical which I used to do. There was nothing broken, no self harming, no screaming etc etc.

I'm doing OK.........Depression hasn't got me yet......I'm too stubborn to let that happen!

& proud of it too!


  1. Hi Sooticas,

    I'm glad you are doing better. Hormones can be hell.

    I'd rather be worried about you then not know what is going on at all.

    Hugs, Euphoria

  2. Glad that you have a supportive boyfriend and mum to help you during your low times!
    I tossed a couple of hugs your way...hope they help!
    hugs suki

  3. Thanks folks :)

    Euphoria, I never thought of it that way before....will keep that in mind next time I go low!

    suki, thanks for the hugs! Hugs ALWAYS help ^____^